#although I am disabled. and it is hard to get off the ground lol

[giantkillerjack]

Fun fact: I have never watched The Goes Wrong Show Christmas Special (specifically the one with the talking snowman) without literally sobbing from laughter.

I mean, tears down my face, struggling to breathe, falling on the floor laughter. 15/10. This should be everyone's favorite show.

[thisisthestoryofanotherus]

Tranquility- CH

A/n: I love Duke....and Calum....anywho...Hey guys! So this was a piece I was working on for #disabledsos I think I’m late but still wanted to do something. Click here for the original link. Honestly this is one of the reasons I love 5sosfam so much, this group is helping raise awareness to fans with disabilities, chronic conditions, medical illnesses etc.. They help make everyone feel included, and with this project we’re trying to spread representation. We all want to be Y/n…but sometimes its hard to picture ourselves as the reader when they are nothing like us. I decided to start with the reader being blind and read about people’s actual experiences and guide dogs, etc. trying to get perspective. This really got me thinking, and I really want to expand my writing to reach more readers of different backgrounds, so let me know what you think and any requests!

In addition to this, I may continue the story I’m not sure yet, but also having a whole event today. Send in requests for blurbs, mtls, reactions, opinions, thoughts on CALM, whatever! I’ll be here all day today getting to know you guys so please go on over to my ask box here!

Warnings: none? Dogs? Idk lol

Word Count: 1,143 ... not bad kinda short sorry

Sitting at your favorite park bench, coffee in hand, you knew it was autumn. You felt the cool breeze against your face, heard the rustle of leaves under the boots of people walking past, saw the scatter of red and yellow light against the trees in front of you. You knew this park so well you could almost see the scene in front of you. Almost… This was a favorite park of yours when you were younger, before you lost your sight that is. From what your sister told you, not much has changed. So, although you could almost see the park in your head, the reality was you really only saw bits of light and colors. Almost like someone painted what was in front of you, then started moving the brush dripping in black paint randomly across the canvas, completely mixing the colors and obscuring the image. At first adjustment was hard, but you made a life for yourself all on your own. All you had to do was approach things just a little differently.

You took another sip of your coffee as you patted the top of your trusty guide dogs head who lied on the ground beside you, enjoying your early morning. With all the stress from work and school it was nice to just sit and breathe. Your thoughts, and tranquility, were interrupted with the sound of barking, and someone screaming “DUUKKEE”. Next thing you knew there was a smaller dog jumping back and forth from your lab’s back to your knee. You dropped your coffee in surprise, praying the hot liquid hadn’t landed on either dog. From the lack of a bark or yelp, you assured yourself they were fine as you turned your attention to the pleasant surprise. As you pat the new dogs head, it left slobbery kisses all over your hand. You wish you had worn gloves, but the ball of fluff was too cute to push away.

“DUKE! Leave the poor girl alone, come here! I am so sorry… I took of his leash to fix his collar and then whhooom he was gone. He’s not bothering you is he?” A man’s voice asked, you heard him approach and pick up the poor dog, Duke you now knew. You heard your own dog Max whine a little at his new friend being taken away. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“No he’s fine! Though if you had come any later he may have licked me to death” He began to laugh too at your words, a deep chuckle that left you feeling warm despite the morning chill.  You felt him sit beside you on the bench, and from the sound of metal clinking you guessed Duke was getting his leash put back on. Although no longer a peaceful morning, you were happy for the company. This stranger seemed nice and funny…and well you had a weakness for dogs.

“Ya this is Duke. He’s a little troublemaker and getting into stuff. He’s a sweetheart, but he could learn a few things from your dog here. What’s this one’s name…” As his voice cut out and dropped a few octaves, you guessed he finally noticed the red vest on your dog. Preparing yourself for the worst, you sighed, knowing whatever moment you both had was gone. Too bad, you were enjoying the conversation.

“This is Max. Yes, its okay if you pet him right now, I don’t mind since we’re just sitting here, and before you ask I’m blind that’s what he’s helping me with.”

“O-oh, ok.” He then laughed, you couldn’t tell from amusement or nervousness. “You must get a lot of questions. Hey Max…how you doing buddy?”

You felt Max’s tail hit your leg…repeatedly. “He likes you”

“Well thank goodness. I love dogs.”

“I would hope so if you own one” you laughed, trying to ease the tension, grateful when he began to laugh as well.

“Very true! He’s my baby, but I promise you I’m not the bad parent you probably think I am. I’m Calum by the way”

“Y/n” You said extending your hand. You felt his warm, calloused hands wrap around your own as he shook your hand, lingering just a second longer. He only let go when he heard the barking of his dog, who had begun pawing at your leg trying to get down from the bench. Max started making noises too, curious as to who these new strangers were and wanting to play. He set Duke down with a “be good” and returned his attention to you.

“Y/n…” He said, as if testing the sound of your name. “Um, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or anything I just-“

“Hey it’s fine. You really didn’t do anything, like you said I’m used to a lot of questions and people treating me weird when they realize these stylish shades actually have purpose”

“I have to say you pull them off nicely. And I’m sorry that must be hard…”

“Eh you get used to it. Just thank you so much for not yelling”

“Why would I yell?”

“If I had a dime for every time someone started practically shouting at me when they found out I lost sight I’d be hella rich. Like they assume I’m deaf too. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so annoying.”

“Haha…oh my gosh that’s terrible”

“Yeah…but not as bad as others asking if I need to feel their face to identify them. As if my sight moved from my eyes to my fingertips…I think that’s the worst one” You laughed

“And here I was gonna ask you to put your hands on my face so you know how good-looking I am”

Jokingly, you put your arm out aiming for his shoulder, trying to ignore the feel of his biceps, as you managed to find the side of his face. “Ah let me guess…tall, dark, and handsome?”

“Correct! I’m 6’1”, black hair, tan skin, and incredibly handsome. Wow and here you had me thinking this wouldn’t work!”

You both laughed, it was a long time since you had laughed this much. A long time since you felt this comfortable with someone. A long time that someone didn’t start treating you weird, and could actually laugh about your hardships. You wish you could have stayed here, but of course reality set in. Your alarm went off, alerting you of your next appointment.

“Great…I’m sorry I have to go. I’ve got this meeting to get to. It was nice talking to you Calum”

“Yeah…you too Y/n. It’s a small park, maybe I’ll see you around?”

“I try to walk Max here in the mornings around this time…so maybe”

You smiled and waved goodbye to the stranger Calum as you made your way out of the park, wondering when the next time you’d see him would be…

[jyndor]

so I was talking to my friend @timelordthirteen about some shit and I decided to just share with you all about the importance of actually explaining shit instead of just saying it. the Left, I am looking at you bitch (ily bitch but)

lol would put a read more but tumblr's being a petty little bitch today ❤

shitposting is fun. dunking on asshat right wingers is fun. you know what is not fun? seeing people not understand the basic terminology that we use in the ~discourse*

but. if we are going to use terminology, if we are going to inject regular old laypeople conversations with (imo) unneccessary amounts of academic terms, then we should try to use them correctly** because in many cases misusing them means we as leftists do not have a full understanding of what the fuck we're on about. this dilutes both the meanings of these terms and their purposes. I know I am wordy as fuck and can be hard to understand sometimes (thanks adhd) so what I am about to say is a little ironic, but clarity is fucking important when it comes to strategy and organizing.

so I am going to examine some commonly misused concepts and terms today. yay.

1. THEORY, PRAXIS AND FRAMEWORKS FOR ANALYSIS weeee yes I am fun at parties tyvm

what is a framework? a structure, in this case, for analyzing some bullshit we deal with irl. that's it lol but I use it a lot so I figured I'd define it here. examples of frameworks are: intersectionality, marxism, queer theory. seriously, if you can think it, it has already been analyzed through the queer lens.

what is theory? ideas, knowledge in the abstract based on looking at shit happen and analyzing that shit. it is useful because it can help us articulate what we are going through in our shitty lives. this is why I often recommend people learn about chomsky's manufacturing consent (theory of why we get the info we get from the media tl;dr), not because I think chomsky is the ultimate leftist grandpa but because this site needs some media literacy lmao. and btw, this clip narrated by amy goodman is a great, trippy little 4:30 min long video that explains the basics of manufacturing consent so you don't have to open a book or use drugs!

theory can help serve as a framework to understand what the fuck is happening to us irl, but imo is kind of an incomplete understanding of shit without lived experience (aka - theory v praxis). this is one reason why we should listen to marginalized groups on their own shit and not talk over them - because all of the research and theory in the world does not make me a Black woman living in Flint (aka - ground up organizing v technocracy). it is not about being nice, or politically correct, although we should be nice and we should care about people just because they're people. if you understand the why of listening to marginalized groups, you understand that it is mainly about communities knowing their own problems best and therefore having the best solutions for those problems.

2. MARXISM, CAPITALISM AND OTHER BUZZWORDS (and leftists need hobbies)

so marxism is a framework for socioeconomic analysis observed by mr kpop himself, karl marx (and his sugar daddy friedrich engels). because leftists love to argue, there are so many kinds of marxism, and if you ever feel like you are shouting into the void too much, just look up some arguments between stalinists and trotskyists. it's just... magical. no, I am not defining tankie here.

as many people smarter than I am have said (read: kwame ture seriously watch this video it's iconic), karl marx did not discover socialism or invent it or whatever, he observed capitalism and saw how shitty it is, like any other sane person would do. the point of marxism is not karl marx (which he would say) or tankies or fuckin guillotines***

things that marxism is:

- an analytical tool for looking at the world

- a theory which was used to develop the basis of different kinds of post-capitalist economic systems like communism and socialism

things that marxism is not:

- a system of economics or government lmao marx did not govern dick

- scary

marx looked at capitalism and said "this is definitely gonna fail someday because it's clearly unsustainable, I mean the proletariat is bigger than the bourgeoisie who owns everything uh yeah so I can do basic fucking math. if I have one capitalist and fifteen hundred workers, eventually that capitalist is gonna lose his damn head because he is gonna hoard all that wealth and his workers are gonna get pissed that they don't have their basic fucking needs met. lmao now put on some kpop, freddy" or something. idk that might not be a direct quote.

what is capitalism? (besides horseshit) a system of economics where industry is privately owned. and yes, this includes publically traded corporations because they are still owned by individuals (shareholders) even if they aren't privately owned by one person or a group of partners. truly a nightmare to live in, and we hate to see it.

what is the proletariat? well, the working class. and the bourgeoisie is the owner class, the capitalist class. the rich.

and this is something else that we need to discuss, tumblr. if you are going to say "eat the rich" please understand who you are talking about. we're not talking about random actors or musicians, or doctors or lawyers, even if they make better than a liveable wage. even if they often have zero class consciousness, meaning they don't ~see class, like colorblind racism for classism.

anyone who has to sell their labor for wages and is not part of the owner class is working class. this includes people who cannot work for any multitude of reasons (disability, can't find work, caretaker, etc) and also white collar workers who might be well off in relatively high paying jobs because they don't own the means of production, or capital that is used to produce shit. so yes, that rich actor who is a part of a union is actually part of the working class in marxist theory. when we say eat the rich, we mean jeff bezos, not john boyega. jeff bezos owns the means of production. john boyega is a working actor who is in a union.

this is important not because we shouldn't get pissed off when actors and celebrities do tone deaf shit like singing about imagining no possessions in their mansions while people starve during a pandemic. they need to put their money to good use, have some class consciousness, instead of asking fans to donate to causes that they could fund. but they are not the bourgeoisie until they start owning the means of production. and there is no doubt that many of them do, which is why we might eat gwyneth paltrow but we won't eat john boyega.

and by the way, eating the rich is metaphorical, a reference to french revolution-era philosopher jean-jacques rousseau's quote: "when the people shall have nothing more to eat, they will eat the rich." obviously I don't even need to explain it but I will anyway. basically, the people will forcibly redistribute the wealth of the rich if they have nothing else. this is why there are some very smart capitalists who are in favor of reforms and raising taxes, because they recognize the danger to their necks in not providing for basic needs of the working class. no, "eat the rich" does not mean be pro-cannibalism. but there are many capitalists who would prefer to die than lose their hoard so

oh, and one last thing. "no ethical consumption in capitalism" is tossed around a lot and it's a million percent true, but I need all of us to understand that it is not an excuse to support harmful practices but it is also not meant to shame consumers. it is rather an understanding that we as consumers are not responsible for the monstrous impact of capitalism. we live in it, we have no choice but to consume, and sometimes (most of the time) that means we have to buy shit that was produced in unethical ways. unfortunately supply chains being what they are, all consumption causes harm in some way.

it is a reminder that individual actions are not going to have the impact of collection actions. this is why plastic bag bans, though well-meaning, are not going to have the same impact on climate catastrophe as, say, banning fossil fuels would.

I am a vegetarian and I can recognize that I am doing a whole lot of nothing by not supporting factory farms, and when I was a vegan I wasn't doing much either. boycotts without mass support don't have much evidence of working. this is why bds exists - boycott divestment and sanctions. boycott, meaning don't support goods from various conpanies connected to something, divestment, meaning get companies/countries/institutions to remove their money from something, and sanctions, meaning getting countries to penalize a country for their bad behavior until they comply.

this is what the anti-apartheid south africa movement did and what palestinian rights organizers support for israeli apartheid.

do not allow legislators to put the burden of fixing the ills of society that capitalism created on consumers' shoulders.

3. INTERSECTIONALITY (because it deserves its own section)

I don't have as much to say on this as I did the last bit because holy shit capitalism, man.

intersectionality, a term that was coined by law professor kimberlé crenshaw in the late 80s to serve as a framework for people to critically assess how legal structures impact Black women differently due to class, race and gender. it is not incompatible with marxism (in fact marxism has been argued to be a form of intersectionality).

intersectionality can and should be used to examine why the Black queer experience is unique, for example. I also want to acknowledge that professor crenshaw isn't the only person to come up with intersectionality; sojourner truth spoke about it even if she didn't coin the term, for example. patricia hill collins, another influential af Black feminist academic****, created frameworks for viewing intersectionality. also you can read her book black feminist thought here for free.

intersectionality has been used - improperly - by liberal feminists***** to excuse bad behavior from leaders who pretend to care about women while creating and enforcing legislation that harms women. anyone who stans politicians at all needs help. it has also been misrepresented as essentialism, which it is also not (essentialism is the idea that everything has some assets that are necessary to its identity) because intersectionality isn't saying that every Black queer woman has the same experience, just that Black queer women might experience similar issues because of a system that negatively views them as Black and queer and women.

intersectionality does not excuse kamala harris for prosecuting poor moms of truant kids.

okay if you guys have things to add please do because I want us to educate each other instead of always talking shit. both is good.

* I am not calling out people for not being academic enough or not speaking english or not reading enough theory because LOL I am a 2x neurodivergent college dropout who radicalized by working retail and not by hearing karl marx talk dirty to me. also, not everyone speaks english like, I am truly not shitting on people.

** I recognize that language is fluid and ever changing, and that is a good thing. But diluting terms that serve specific purposes is not ever going to be good.

*** and I don't want to dismiss intra-leftist theory discourse (🤢) because I know how annoying it is to hear bernie sanders lumped in with liz warren, or bernie sanders lumping himself in with post-capitalists lmao of course I get it. but twitter discourse is not dismantling capitalism so ANYWAY

**** actually crenshaw built on collins' work (black feminist thought) and the collins built on crenshaw' work we love to see it.

***** I should go ahead and define liberal feminism as well as rad fem and terf and shit because people use them all very very loosely, especially terf (not every transphobe is a terf but every terf is a transphobe, it's like the rectangle/square thing). but I am exhausted with this so next time.

[happywitch416]

Ok, now do Leliana, Merrill, Iron Bull, and Blackwall. I love your opinions.

I have lots of opinions and some of them are even good ones so I appreciate the love for them lol

I already did Blackwall here.

The Iron Bull

How I feel about this character

Look, when I discovered I could romance The Iron Bull, 6-year-old me found her prince charming dreams come true. Why? Tim Curry as Darkness in Legend. My tastes have been odd forever. Pretty boys are exactly that and usually boring. And he's disabled, yet tall and strong. He finds himself a family? Also BDSM but that is probably more info than anyone has ever wanted from me. There is just so much? He is a big character, not even because of his size but because he takes up metaphysical space and does not apologize for it. And he's a spy! You would expect all spies in the Qun to be like Tallis and instead you have this motherfucker that could bench press a wagon and the horses. Also, his love of dragons mirrors my own. Spiritual bonding.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Dorian and tiny Cadash inquisitors because I am easily made happy. So much tall and small.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Sera. Mayhem.lace Harding. Viv, I love their dynamic. She mother hens this giant and he's just? So down for it? He's cool with being adopted.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I love him as is. Folks who say he's abusive I will meet in the pit. And I will win. Dealt with that in real life, get your purity brownie points elsewhere. Far the fuck away from me. Triggering? Sure. But that's a personal issue you need to work through, not take it on people who are fine with it.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

More of life after the qun. I want him to grow past that. There is just so much shit packed into that way of life and I want him to unpack it. Show your emotions! Feel them! With less sticks! Or more sticks bc honestly that makes sense.

And maybe make his relationship with Dorian without those sketchy bits. Like why the fuck were those even there. why.

Leliana

How I feel about this character

It took a long time for Leliana to grow on me. That whole chosen by god thing just grates. But it makes sense storywise! So I'm okay with it really. Hardened Leliana in DAI? Where is the sweet girl who sang around a campfire? Like I get it, she was in the game and the left hand but they idk. It really bothered me to see her so cynical and harsh. People change sure. But I don't like how it worked with her. Now her feelings of failure in regards to divine justinia? Yes, good. Also her becoming divine and basically razing it to the ground? She is probably the truest follower of the chant since andraste. Her reaction to morrigan being in orlais was...fucky. why make them enemies. Where is the setup for this. Wtf. I also dig that she's a redhead and an archer. I am shallow okay. But we do not see a lot of the fun Leliana in dai and I think thats a disservice. 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Female wardens, any race are brilliant. I just can't picture her with a dude beyond using him to get something done. I like her with Josie and Morrigan as well.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Iron Bull and Sera, hold with me here, because she needs fun and to remember she can have it. Same for Lace. But I also see her being friends with Viv. And of course Josie and I kinda dig her friendship with Cassandra. She could be friends with anyone, until she stabs them I guess.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I think they wanted a hardass spymistress and almost neglected everything else. We get bare hints of the Leliana we met in dao in dai. Once again people change, but i think its fucky.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

No to the lyrium ghost? What the fuck? She fakes her death if the warden kills her. Boom done, and keeping in line with her Bard status. You can't tell me the chantry allowed a god damn ghost. Although, a lyrium based ghost could be corrupted by blight and thats scary. An evil Leliana, scary but hot. 

Merrill

How I feel about this character

She is adorable and performs blood magic. She's my one of my top 5 characters in this realm. She goes around picking flowers out of random gardens? Her pure excitement at seeing a mugging. I however despise her clan. The people who should have cared for her the most, betrayed her the most. And she restores an Eluvian, just how powerful of mage is she? Like yes i know she has a demon or whatever but she has far more control of that deal then Anders does with justice. It seems to be a healthy deal.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Isabela! You know she brings home all the exotic flowers she can find while shes on the sea for Merrill. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Also Isabela. They have such a good friendship in game? Puts marbles in her boots. 

My unpopular opinion about this character

Every time someone writes her as a sweet little pushover i want to sacrifice them to the seven circles of hell. She's arguably one of the strongest mages we meet, and not necessarily spell wise. The will power she must have, she has a successful partnership with a spirit. She laughs at near muggings? You think balls that big would be a doormat? Gtfo.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

She should have been brought in as an advisor, arcane, elven whatever, in dai. Morrigan? The elven expert? Eluvian expert? A lot of that was based off well flemeth is her mom and she just felt a connection with research into elven magic. Sure jan. As a Daughter literally never do you listen that well to your mom. She could have been a knowledge buddy with Merrill. Even with Solas, they literally trust some rando that wanders in. A total unknown that spouts off about the fade that is suspicious use of elfroot sounding. There was an opportunity and they missed it.

[tessatechaitea]

Kid Eternity #1

I swear to God I ruined my underwear when I saw Ann Nocenti wrote this.

I like the vague ambiguity of the phrase "ruined my underwear." Did I come in them or shit myself? Probably both since it's Ann Nocenti! Her writing is fucking terrible but in that way that I can't get enough of it! And I have no memory of this comic book so I'm actually pretty excited right now. Like the first time I realized I could make my own dick hard by shoving a finger up my ass. The story begins with three homeless men having a philosophical discussion about how terrible women are. You know, the way men do. Men like to defend this kind of talk as "locker room" talk, as if the locker room is some kind of special out-of-bounds timeout area where nothing said or done actually counts. Which, if it were true, would mean I was never bullied in 8th grade for having man tits. I will say this: boys and men behave like monsters in a locker room. Some of us have avoided locker rooms, to the best of our abilities, for most of our lives because of men who somehow think it's their safe space to act like the sociopaths they truly are. Fucking thank God women exist if being in the presence of women means terrible fucking men think they can't be themselves. Because nobody needs a society of men acting in public the way they act in a locker room. And anybody who uses the phrase "locker room talk" as an excuse for certain types of behavior are telling on themselves. Because that person in the locker room is who they truly are and the person hiding behind the mask is the one who leaves that locker room and knows they have to hide some secret, terrible side of themselves. What I'm trying to say by way of Ann Nocenti's homeless people is that Donald Trump and his defenders are sociopathic monsters who would tell me to get over it and it's just a joke after they came up behind me in the locker room and grabbed one of my man boobs in 8th Grade. Fuck them and fuck you, Steve Garcia. One of the homeless men, Josef, is all, "I love the way you sing, Willie, but you call women a lot of derogatory names in your songs!" And Willie is all, "Oh, you know I love them so much! We're the bastards and they're the best for loving us!" And then the last one whose name I don't know yet is all, "Josef, you're a bigger chump than your Biblical namesake." Which made me think, "That's not cool! Why call poor Joseph a chump? How was it his fault his brothers were jealous pricks who stole his beautiful coat and threw him in a pit to be devoured by wolves?!" Was that what happened or am I mixing my Biblical stories with Aesop's fables? Anyway, it turns out he meant Joseph as in Mary and Joseph. But why would I think of that Joseph before the Old Testament Joseph?! Mary's Joseph is practically the least important character in The Bible! Probably because he was such a chump. Does "chump" mean "a super understanding and sweet and compassionate and not at all jealous (although maybe a little naive and gullible?) kind of person"? After the nameless homeless person makes their joke about how Josef would buy the virgin birth excuse, he laughs uproariously. People who laugh at their own jokes confuse me. Sometimes I'll laugh at something funny I've said but generally only after other people laugh at it and then their laughter might be infectious. Or because I've said something that I didn't know I was going to say and it catches me by surprise as well. But you know how many people say a thing and then laugh immediately after? It's like they've been trained by laugh tracks to think that other people won't know something is funny if you don't chuckle at it immediately. I know a few people who sort of chuckle after everything they say and it infuriates me! Sometimes it just feels like they're doing it to say, "Ha ha! I know what I just said is nonsense and wasn't worth uttering and shouldn't be taken seriously so here's my apologetic chuckle." I'd prefer the statement without the laugh just as I prefer my sitcoms without the audience laughter. And while it might be forgivable for a person to laugh or chuckle at their own statements while in conversation with others, it's absolutely reprehensible when somebody writes something on Facebook or Twitter and ends with a "lol" or the crying while laughing emoji. The level of hilarity in your statement ain't for you to decide, bruv.

"I wish I were alive." Wait. This homeless guy's dead?

Across the street from the homeless encampment stands a warehouse where strange things have been going on. Or, at least, one strange thing has been going on: a guy that looks like John Lennon reincarnated has been squatting there. That's a strange enough premise for a comic book, right? Maybe the looking like John Lennon isn't the strange bit. That's just the descriptive bit. The strange bit is that he dreams about finding water in a toilet with a divining rod while a little kid shoots him in the stomach. He wakes up with a bullet wound while some paranormal government investigators drop by to get help him on a case. And don't think they're just clones of Scully and Mulder because of their hair color. The guy, Jerry, is a dead comedian returned to life in the body of a homicidal killer (no, he's not Shade the Changing Man) and the lady, Val, has been chased by demons and serial killers who never had a proper father transference and loves to quote psychologists. They've got a real Bud Abbott and Lou Costello vibe going. Kid Eternity (the John Lennon clone) squats with an angel named Keep. I don't know what's going on yet but it'll truly be weird seeing as how Ann Nocenti wrote it. Not because she's good at writing weird things. She just writes things that sound like a non-native speaker translating something from their language into English. You know, Engrish. Ann Nocenti writes in Engrish.

Weird how the guy is into a plan that he'll only be involved with for five minutes and the woman who will have to deal with it for the rest of her life is all, "Fuck this nonsense!"

One of Kid Eternity's super powers is to yell the word "eternity" which summons a historical personage. He tries to summon Cupid to get the FBI agents to fuck but it doesn't work. Probably because Cupid isn't real but also maybe because Cupid is dead, according to Keep. He reminds Kid Eternity that gods die when people stop believing in them. Which is weird because you'd think Cupid would still have quite a bit of life in him. Isn't Valentine's Day practically a holy day dedicated to him? If Cupid isn't still alive, no way is The People of the Book's god, God, still alive! I bet there's more actual worship of Cupid and love on Valentine's Day than all the religious fervor for the monotheistic God during the whole year. And that God has three big religions worshiping his ass! I just think a large percentage of his worship is lip service (which is also a large percentage of Cupid's worship, if you get what I'm saying (oral sex)). Next there's a scene in a church where a Reverend Murphy gets drunk on confirmation wine and gropes a nun. She then hides a thorny cross in her underwear and he grabs it and gets cut. She then says, "See?" And he's all, "See what?" And that's it. That's the scene. I suppose it sets up Kid Eternity in the confessional but I don't know why. Also I don't know if the nun hides the cross in her underwear. But you have to make your own calls when reading an Ann Nocenti scene. Often, two characters who seem to be having a dialogue (based on my years of experience reading comic books where if two people are in the same panel and both have word balloons, that means the people are speaking to each other) wind up having two separate conversations in which neither seems to be responding to the other. Maybe Ann Nocenti has only ever had conversations on Internet messaging systems? Knowing that Ann Nocenti has never talked with another living being face to face would go a long way to explaining her writing. Actually, nothing can explain her writing. I keep trying to explain it but I'm really in over my head here. Maybe this is what it's like being a dumb ass? Maybe Ann Nocenti is so much smarter than me, I'm like a mentally disabled person trying to parse Shakespeare. I just don't have the brain power to understand this stuff so my natural defenses kick in. "I'm not too stupid to understand this; Ann Nocenti is stupid! She writes dumbly! Like a huge dumb moron dumby!" Since the FBI agents won't fuck to produce a special Buddha Christ child, Kid Eternity needs to search the world for the next step in human evolution. So he screams "Eternity!" and summons Madame Blavatsky to help. I began reading the Wikipedia page on Madame Blavatsky so when I make a joke about her fraudulent spiritualism, I could do it being well-informed. But I was immediately derailed when I read that her mother translated into Russian the novels of Edward Bulwer-Lytton. How do I get past that?! I'm fucking flabbergasted. I'm fucking stunned that this is a thing. The cogs in my brain ground to a halt. Now I'm never going to understand Blavatsky's theory of Theosophy because this fact has rerouted all of my processing power to mull it over. Even if I read about her spiritualism and belief in Theosophy, I won't retain any of it. I can only learn one fact per day as extraordinary as this Edward Bulwer-Lytton/Madame Blavatsky connection. The more I read about Madame Blavatsky, the more I feel like maybe Ann Nocenti considered herself a modern day version of the spiritualist. Maybe she even thought she was the reincarnation of the woman. I suppose I only think this because Blavatsky was so well educated (both by others and by her own insatiable reading habits) and Ann Nocenti's writings, while confusing and off-kilter, are full of things a well-educated person would mention if they wanted people to know they're well-educated. I know this because I don't understand most of it. The worst part about reading about Madame Blavatsky is thinking, "What the fuck have I done with my life?" after every single sentence of her biography where she's learning something new, or going someplace new, or convincing more people that she's traveled astrally and been visited by a mysterious Indian man in a mystic vision. Although reading that a lot of historians mark about 10 to 25 of her years as being "unreliable" and "largely uncorroborated" makes me feel a little bit better. I suppose if I had to make an accounting of my life without worry of anybody offering a conflicting opinion, my life would be super exciting too! Just think! I could get people to believe I've slept with more than four women! Or three women. Is four already sounding too unbelievable? Maybe two? Well, at least one! And it was so good! Madame Blavatsky's Wikipedia article contains the most uses of the word "allegedly" right after O.J. Simpson's. I wish I'd lived in an age where people couldn't corroborate anything I said I'd done and the only reason people wouldn't simply outright believe it would be because none of the things I said happened were ever mentioned in anybody I knew personally's diary. "Well, sure, Grunion Guy said he had marital relations with more than four women but we couldn't find proof of his relations with any of those women written down in their diaries. Maybe the mysterious entry 'Had a terrible night. Will not repeat that experience' possibly backs up the assertion but, if so, a night with Grunion Guy was no more memorable than a night of eating bad seafood." I'm sorry. This is now becoming a review of Madame Blavatsky. But I feel like I need to know everything that Ann Nocenti knew to understand her story.

Err, or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm reading too much into Nocenti's work.

Madame Blavatsky's first question to Kid Eternity is "What's to eat in this century?" That's because she's fat. It's funny, right? Speaking of being fat, I was watching some Community last week and they're discussing whether a name sounds like a fat girl's name. Mostly Pierce is discussing that because the others are too young and woke to think in those terms. But Pierce says the name is a fat girl's name, "like Gravy Jones." My cat's name is Gravy so now I keep telling her that she has the name of a fat girl. Which is probably appropriate because she's such a coot widdle stocky lady with the shortest little back legs and oh my God I'm so in love with her.

It's only fair that if I mention Gravy, I have to supply a photo of Gravy.

Being a Vertigo title, there are tits. Lots and lots of tits. But only in a scene of the Greek Gods as they awaken from a two thousand year old orgy coma. Kid Eternity woke them up by calling for Cupid. Except Cupid isn't the first to wake for some reason. That reason is so that Hermes can switch his love arrows with Ares' hate arrows. Who knew Ares had hate arrows? Zeus doesn't care about any of it because he just wants to rape something. But Hera is all, "Rape is way too hard now! They made, like, laws against it!" Which seems like a weird thing to say. As if rape would be acceptable without a law against it? Hmm, what am I saying? Even with laws against it, it's almost acceptable with all of these "boys will be boys" banner waving frat boys running our world into the ground. Meanwhile, Madame Blavatsky stuffs Twinkies down her throat followed by Coke chasers. She jumps to a lot of conclusions while trying to figure out who Kid Eternity is and why he summoned her. But since she thinks up those conclusions, they must be true. You need somebody in a comic book who somehow knows more than they should know to explain things to the reader. I find it an annoying shortcut because it just spits out a bunch of truth from an absolutely trustworthy source instead of finding a reasonable way to present the information through actual events in the story. It's like in the HBO series The Outsider where they're investigating the murder of a child and things are getting really weird. So as the show moves from a seemingly normal murder investigation into the paranormal realm, an unknown woman happens to overhear one of the investigators talking to a lead, takes her aside, and explains exactly what the fuck the murderer/monster is. Did the writers think that this just looked like hard work by the investigator paying off as opposed to what it really was: random luck that the investigator happened to run into some omniscient character who isn't a mental patient with a crackpot theory at all but the one person who knows the absolute truth of one of the craziest mysteries of the universe? At least Madame Blavatsky's revelations are just mild speculations about Kid Eternity's part in the universe and who might have created him to be a key player. She doesn't just hand out the answers for free. Speaking of characters who give the answers to the mystery, the only acceptable one was M. Night Shyamalan's character in Signs. The characters should have believed that he knew what he was talking about when he said the aliens were probably susceptible to water because he was the writer and the director. I mean, why aren't you listening to that guy?! Although I still hate the movie because the whole point is that all the "signs" point to a proof that there is something greater in the universe (like, you know, God) directing our movements and lives. But that only makes sense because the story was written by a person and so that person is basically the God setting the events in place. Of course everything in the script happens for a reason because it was written that way. Life isn't a fucking M. Night Shyamalan script (thank God!). Double meanwhile, some Catholic priests and nuns are releasing a bunch of demons they've kept in captivity because the Pope said they should. I'm sure it has something to do with Kid Eternity and his search for the new age Buddha Jesus but I can't logically connect the dots. Reading an Ann Nocenti story is like looking at a magic eye painting. You can't really understand it by simply looking at it. You have to cross your eyes until your head hurts and hold your breath until you nearly pass out and maybe ingest some bad oysters to boot. You know there's probably a recognizable image in there somewhere but fuck it if you have the patience to see it. I just grabbed a Magic Eye picture at random on the Internet and screwed up my vision to see what it was and it said, "I

A typical Nocenti page. She just throws every idea in her head at the page and hopes it sounds profound. I suddenly feel like I have a lot in common with her.

Oh, the demons were let out to kill anybody who might have a Buddha Christ child! I finally fucking understand Ann Nocenti! It took some work (I've been reading this comic book for five days now) but I got there! She's working on a sort of a "spirituality is good and can save mankind but religious dogma is bad and wants to keep them in the dark" theme! That's probably why she brought in Madame Blavatsky. Because she founded that whole Theosophical Society which believed the answers to everything would be born out of religion, science, and philosophy. There were some truths in all religions (having been, she believed, based on one Ancient Wisdom) but none of them practiced it correctly and most were frauds to keep elites in power. Maybe she was a fraud as a spiritualist and as an autobiographer but she might have been on the right track in the core truth of existence. Not that I believe there's a core truth of existence. Einstein said that God doesn't play dice with the universe. But I say it's dice all the way down! Most of life is us trying to maintain the illusion of control. It's why we seek answers. We want to have as much information as possible so that all of the choices we make have an absolute 100% known outcome. But we can never have that and that's what makes life a tragedy. The proof of my theory is Pulp Fiction. The arc for most of the characters in the film depend almost entirely on random happenstance. We might control every aspect of our lives as much as we can but can we control when we need to take a shit? Fuck no. I mean, a little bit! But not to the degree that our lives won't be affected by taking one. Vincent dies because he takes a shit at the wrong time. Jules manages to stop the diner robbery because he's in the bathroom when it breaks out. That one guy almost kills both Jules and Vincent because he's in the bathroom when they come for the glowing briefcase. And it's not just that we can't control our bowels. John McClane runs into Wallace at a crosswalk. It's all fucking random, man! And if you don't accept pop culture entertainment as theoretical proof of the workings of the universe, I have a personal anecdote! I once applied for a job at a comic book store. A day or two later, I was taking a shit when I heard the phone ring. It was the store leaving a message to call them back about the job. I tried to call them back but either had the wrong number or couldn't get through somehow. So taking the shit made me miss my dream job! Taking a shit is the worst thing you can do for your health and your dreams.

I totally get where you're coming from, Gregory, but the "enforced" part of your plan might be a problem.

That plan by Gregory was considered a woke thought in the early 90s. Pretty sure I had it in college. Not the enforced part! Just that vision of the future we've all had or heard somebody come up with while drinking late into the night and feeling particularly melancholy. That vision where everybody has mocha skin and brown eyes and beautiful, thick black hair and nobody hates anybody for superficial differences. Although as Anthrax pointed out, "Would we hate each other by the sound of our voice? Tell me how it feels to be hated! Tell me how it feels to be loved! Tell me what it means to be respected! Or is the answer none of the above?!" Have I hit on what makes Ann Nocenti's writing both interesting and not very good? She somehow has a photographic memory for every profound thought she's ever had throughout her life and when she sits down to write, they all crowd up to the front clamoring to be added to the story. And so her story becomes a jumble of mixed up theories and random shower thoughts that never quite fit together into a coherent narrative. Holy fuck! I think I've finally cracked her and the reason why I love reading her terrible stories! Do I love the heart and determination of her need to profess profundities while lacking all control of the story?! Fucking hell. She's my Tommy Wiseau, isn't she/ "The stranger" in the above comic book caption is Cupid. He's been summoned by Kid Eternity but he arrived late because he had to wake up from a God coma. Plus he has hate arrows on him instead of love arrows. Oh man, just think of all the mischief he's going to create!

Fuckin' amen, Gregory. And by the transitive property, fuckin' amen to Ann Nocenti too.

I refuse to believe that Ann Nocenti's writing has moved me in any way. I have just hit myself in the side of the head with a hammer and am blacking out. When I come to, I shall have no memory of this every happennaodgigk Man, my head hurts! I guess I was reading this Ann Nocenti comic book and I had a stroke! I guess I'll never know even if the me having the stroke typed something about it in the previous paragraph because, as anybody who has read anything I've ever written knows, I don't fucking proofread, edit, or rewrite. Keep and Madame Blavatsky have gone around putting a huge 'X' on the door of every person who might produce a Buddha Christ child. The demon angel babies have gone around murdering all of the people behind those doors. And they're working for the church! I love a good story where the church is the bad guy. So close to real life!

Either the murderer is Madame Blavatsky or this panel is part of a Hostess advert.

Actually, the demon angel babies are also into 20th Century snack food because all the church ever fed them was the blood of innocents and priestly confessions of pederasty. Although if those were Oreo flavors, I'd be all over them. Somehow Kid Eternity has convinced the feminist (who spent at least one full page discussing how much she hates dicks and erections) to consider carrying the Buddha Christ child. She's totally against dicks getting anywhere near her love portal but when she sees the dead guy, she's all, "Oh! Never mind! He's cute! Maybe do that He-man yell where you summon somebody from the past to this guy and I'll fuck the fuck out him." But instead of Kid Eternity remembering he can bring anybody from the past by raising the Sword of Grayskull over his head and screaming like a maniac, he decides to not remember that. Guess what happens that you've already guessed by all the clues in the story so far? That's right! Cupid shoots the two FBI Agents with his hate arrows! And now they want to fuck each other even less than before! Now they want to Human Centipede each other! But not in a hot way like the term "Human Centipede" suggests. Kid Eternity has a dream that Jesus is old and getting drunk at a bar. He's expecting Kid Eternity to save the world. Jesus can't do it because he's just a dream. I think the real Jesus has turned goth and been sent to Hell.

So is this Satan? He's different than Lucifer in the DC Universe, right? Maybe Satan is also Andrew Bennett!

If not for the "I've gotten a bum rap for all the evil ever" speech, I was hoping this was Jesus Christ in Hell. But I get the whole Last Supper thing but for Satan is some kind of analogy or metaphor that's supposed to make me think. So let me think. Oooh. Ahhh. Profound! Kid Eternity and Suzie the Feminist meet a guy named Dog who hunts the little dirty angel demon babies. He acts like an animal and quotes Susan Sontag. I probably went through a phase where I quoted Susan Sontag. But then my critical lit theory course ended and I was all, "Why was she so afraid of flying?" That was a joke that I'm leaving in even though the few people who understand it will simply think I'm an ignorant moron. And even after understanding it was a joke, it probably will just downgrade "ignorant moron" to "asshole misogynist." Still, it made me chuckle. Suzie points out to Kid Eternity that Madame Blavatsky was a charlatan and he's all, "Dammit! I spent my whole budget for the month on Hostess snacks!" And then Madame Blavatsky pops in eating a Twinkie and a Ding Dong and is all, "It was all worth it for the delicious creamy center and spongy golden cake!" Also, they discover Suzie's computer is now pregnant with the Buddha Christ child. Thank God! That takes care of the problem of finding a woman to incubate the thing. Who would fucking want that job?! Even Mary probably would have turned down the job if God had asked for consent. Later, Kid Eternity finds a baby in a trash can beneath his window. A woman runs up and is all, "My baby!" And Kid Eternity is all, "Oh, yeah. Here you go. You must have left it in the trash." And she runs off with it and Kid Eternity finds the baby healed his bullet wound. It was the Buddha Christ child! Thrown out like last week's tampon! Is that how long a tampon stays in? A full week? Kid Eternity #1 Rating: B. While confusing at times because Ann Nocenti really has a lot to say and seems to think it all needed to be said in this comic book, I still sort of enjoyed it. The dialogue wasn't as confusing as some of Nocenti's dialogue can get although there were times I clearly recognized Nocenti's handiwork. Mostly in the way characters methodically explain what they're doing so the reader understands exactly how the plot is moving forward by the character's actions. It's such pure Nocenti that had I not known she wrote this, I'd have assumed it was her. Some of her ideas, she just throws out there in a way which you can tell she isn't going to explore them any further. Those ideas are some of her best in this book. But even the ones that seem to be making up the foundation of the book (more abundant than you would expect. This comic was dense and long) have the potential to be interesting. I only bought three issues of this book before I came to my senses which either means it gets absolutely confusing or I just couldn't follow a story with this much going on in month to month intervals. Hopefully the next two issues just get worse because I don't want to feel tempted to seek out the rest of this series. Oh, and judging by the "Next Month" blurb at the end, the Satanic figure is Beelzebub. Although wasn't he a fly-shaped demon in The Demon?

[valamerys]

we were forced to hide in this very cramped space (from friends/authority figures/people trying to kill us) and this is a very awkward position to be stuck in with someone you’re avoiding because they’re too attractive for you to deal with” au WITH RHYS AND LUCIEN?? PLS??? I CRY???

this was for the prompts from a while ago!! still doing them, it’s just taking me 5ever lol. BUT THANK U FOR THIS GIFT IM ALSO CRY. 

WHO IS READY FOR RHYCIEN?????

———————

“Get off me, you idiotic--”

“You’re the one who’s on me, you get off.”

But there is nowhere to go, and after a few moments of futile struggle, Lucien is forced to settle with his shoulder wedged against the door, half being poked by the cleaning supplies sticking from the shelves in this comically small maintenance closet, and half with Rhysand flush against him, their limbs askew and intertwined as they’re posed to avoid randomly hung buckets and mops.

Lucien swears and Rhysand asks, almost incredulous, “does the Fall Court not believe in adequate storage space?”

“Couldn’t you just replace all their memories with giant squids or something?” Lucien snaps in response, “Cauldron boil me, you’re supposed to be this all-powerful godlike creature and we’re hiding in a closet--”

Rhysand puffs out a laugh and Lucien can feel it on his ear. “I am an all-powerful godlike creature, first of all. And there should be an ‘extraordinarily handsome’ somewhere in there too.”

Insufferable. Insufferable. That he is, in fact, extraordinary handsome, and the slight implication that he knows Lucien thinks that... there are so many awful people in this court it seems impossible that Rhysand could introduce him to new ways to hate a person, but here they are, pure frustrated loathing coursing hot through Lucien’s veins as they hide from the Fall Court guards.

It is entirely Rhysand’s fault, a stunning highlight to this diplomatic trip that seems to have been planned with the specific goal of making Lucien’s life difficult every turn. Today Rhysand had been taking an uncomfortably close look at one of the Fall Court heirlooms, when he definitely had no business being unaccompanied in the vaults--Lucien had stumbled across him and must have startled him, because Rhysand dropped the precious glass artifact he was inspecting, and the sound of shattering was met with cries from the guards and the sounds of approaching boots. A mutual look of fury and fear--neither prince wanted to be associated with the crime, much less face Beron’s wrath for it--and they’d taken off down the hall, since winnowing was magically disabled in the palace. Lucien had been the one to pull them into a closet as the guards drew closer, and as Rhysand’s elbow digs further into his side, he regrets it fervently. His father’s retribution--or almost anything--would have been better than enduring this. It’s pitch black in the closet, and the darkness is heightening his other senses: Rhysand is warm and firm against him, and Lucien is discovering nuances in Rhysand’s scent, thick between them, something like saltwater under the citrus-musk, and he likes it and he hates that he likes it.

Rhysand goes on after a pause; Lucien suspects it’s because he can’t handle the mere suggestion that he’s less powerful than he’s supposed to be.

“In any case, the peace between Night and Fall is tenuous--”

“It gets more tenuous with every passing second of your knee jamming into my thigh.”

Rhys pauses to make a huffy little show of being interrupted. “--As I was saying, is tenuous, and tampering with will or memories leaves traces, if you know where to look. Your father employs people who know where to look. I’d like to not endanger that peace by giving anyone cause for suspicion.”

“Yes, we certainly wouldn’t want you, sneaking around the vaults alone and fondling ancient magical items, to seem suspicious.” Lucien loads it with as much venomous sarcasm as possible.

“Interesting word choice.”

“Oh, you’re going to distract me from your snooping with innuendo? Very mature behavior from a High Lord apparent.”

“I’m not the one who said fondling.” A pause, and Lucien can hear the filthy smirk in Rhysand’s voice when he adds, low and breathy, “And I could distract you with a lot more than innuendo, if I wanted to.”

The points where their bodies press into one another suddenly feel very heavy, and the air around them very thin. Lucien is going to kill him. He’s going to set all of Rhysand’s clothes on fire at once; even if Lucien gets third degree burns by proximity and/or murdered by Night Court spies in retaliation it’ll be worth it.

“Do you just go through life assuming everyone in the world is insatiably attracted to you?” He hisses.

Rhysand hums faintly. “Mostly. I tend to be right, though.”

How can he be so casually haughty, so at ease in this ridiculous pose they’re holding? How in the world does this not phase him?

And what would it take to break that cavalier composure of his?

Lucien feels the urge to try, one way or another, throttle him or kiss him, something, anything, to bring him down to some part of Lucien’s emotional level of lusting contempt. He manages, with great effort, to ignore it and lie instead.

“Consider me an exception.”

“Really?” It’s an amused little purr. “You’ve never thought about me fondling anything other than glass trinkets?”

"Incredibly, I find arrogance something of a turn-off,” Lucien bites out.

“I’m not sure I believe you. Maybe I should rifle around in your head and check.”

“Stay the fuck out of my mind, Rhysand,” Lucien snarls; aware that it’s bait, rising to it anyway. “I catch you trying to get past my shields and I swear I’ll—“

“You’ll what? Mouth off to me some more?” Rhysand says, sharply, baldly. Lucien feels thin fingers find his face in the dark, finds himself paralyzed with equal parts fury and heat as Rhysand traces the shape of his lips, his jaw.  “That temper of yours is going to get you into trouble, little Lucien. I hope you get as good at finishing things as you are at starting them.”

The nickname is too much.

Lucien snaps with something like a growl in his throat, and they collide with the clatter of cleaning supplies, door rattling as Rhysand shoves him against it, lips hot and seeking against Lucien’s. Hands grapple ungracefully, pulling, tugging, digging into clothing, both of them seeking to take; Rhysand tastes like sweat and the dust of the room and a bittersweet darkness, and Lucien is all teeth in search of more of it.

“You bit me,” Rhysand grunts, although it doesn’t stop his hand’s frenzied ascent up under Lucien’s now-untucked shirt to touch his bare chest.

“You called me Little Lucien,” Lucien pants petulantly, as Rhys latches onto his neck, sucking out his revenge.

“Well you are proving me wrong, aren’t you?” Rhys palms the generous bulge of Lucien’s hardening cock by way of explanation. “Not so little.”

Lucien holds back a groan, instead gritting out, “Fuck, I hate you.”

Rhysand chuckles, and Lucien kisses him again, rough, sloppy, just so he’ll shut up, for cauldron’s sake—

And then the world is bright, and they’re both tumbling backwards. Lucien hits the ground hard, arousal interrupted by the painful weight of Rhys landing almost entirely on top of him.

The poor maid who opened the door—and managed to dodge out of the way before her prince and the foreign dignitary he’s clearly making out with tumbled out—stands there in absolute shock, a hand clasped over her mouth.

“Sorry,” Lucien apologizes to her vaguely, feeling his shame return to him with his sense of sight.

———————

Rhysand rights himself and slips away before Lucien can finish calming the frazzled, embarrassed maid, and is mercifully absent for the rest of the day, as Lucien grows more and more mortified about the event. By the time he retires for the night, he’s considering hiding in his room for the remaining days of Rhysand’s visit and also maybe the rest of eternity.

But he opens the door to see Rhysand, calmly inspecting the contents of his desk.

“What are you doing here?” Lucien blurts, too surprised and lingeringly embarrassed to put any real hostility behind it.

Rhysand puts down whatever he was playing with, walks over to where Lucien is rooted to the floor with that brand of disaffected self-assurance that reminds Lucien: he hates him, he hates him, don’t make out with him again--

“We weren’t finished when we were interrupted earlier,” Rhysand murmurs, and kisses him.

Arrogant, entitled, presumptuous, insufferable, insufferable, insufferable--

Lucien’s resolve crumples like wet paper and he kisses him back, Rhysand’s night-cool aura washing over his senses, making him forget why this was ever a bad idea. Somehow they end up stumbling towards the bed, Lucien gripping the back of Rhysand’s neck as they tumble onto it.

“It’s Rhys, not Rhysand, when you come,” Rhys manages to get out against Lucien’s lips, somehow still imperious when he’s underneath Lucien, both of them flushed.

Lucien swears softly. “Only if you promise to stop talking.”

[megaraxdimitriou]

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy?

“I’m a big ol string bean, at 5′10. I’d like to say healthy because i exercise quite frequently but i pretty much stay the same weight i have for years due to my various love for food.” Meg is fit/slim, but she never turns down the opportunity to treat herself.

2. How old is he?

“I’m the big two-o.”

3. Describe his posture. Does he/she carry himself well or does he/she slouch?  

“I’m not much of a sloucher. My mom would always smack my hands at the dinner table if i was slouching even though she let my father do it. So i’d say pretty well, mostly from habit.” That and her mother had Meg take ballet classes when she was little, so bad posture was always a big no-no.

4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities?

“I guess fit? Haha, is sleeping in til the afternoon an illness? Because if so, you got me.” No Meg is pretty healthy physically wise.

5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid?

Graceful, hah that’s a laugh. I don’t know? I walk like a regular human being, is this even a real thing?” Yes it is Meg, lol. Meg is pretty relaxed in most aspects, if anything she walks casual, although sometimes if in a good mood she has a charming strut she puts on.

6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror?

“Meh.” Wow, Meg my god. Meg has never been one for appearances; it wasn’t until recently that Daphne got her in things like doing her hair and makeup. Meg doesn’t really care for it, but most of the time shes confident in her own skin.

7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred?

“I’m not pale, but i’m not really dark either. I look i got a tan, but got out of the tanning booth halfway through. Like a golden-brown potato chip. I do get oily sometimes, it just mostly looks like i’ve been sweating though.” meg-girl. Meg is slightly tan, but in the winter her complexion lightens immensely

8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style.

“My hair is probably about upper-mid back. I usually don’t do anything with it, but it’s naturally wavy a bit. So most of the time its just down, or up in a pony tail.”

9. What color are his/her eyes?

“Hazel, but the green outshines the most. My mom always use to call them Σμαράγδια της θάλασσα, which translated means Emeralds of the sea.

10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features?

“I’d like to think my eyes, and i have a lil freckle above my lip that draws a bit of attention. Whether good or bad i’m not really sure which.”

11. What are his/her chief tension centers?

“I guess my shoulders.” Shoulders/Upper back.

12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he/she have six of the same suit?

“I don’t know, i don’t feel like what i wear falls under any certain type of fashion style. I just wear whit i like.” Meg can go from casual to classy as hell. It just depends how shes feeling and what shes dressing up for. Most of her clothes are either dark's or neutrals, but there is some pops of color in there.

Most of the time she is dressed up like this (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

13. Do his/her clothes fit well? Does he/she seem comfortable in them?

“If they didn’t fit, i wouldn’t be wearing them. Sometimes i like clothes that hug my body right, sometimes i like wearing loose things that fall and hang off my sides.”

14. Does he/she dress the same on the job as he/she does in his free time? If not, what are the differences?

“Sometimes, but mostly its still casual.”

15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando?

Laced solid colored underwear.

Speech

1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse?

“Haven’t really thought about that much?” I’d say somewhere in the middle ground. Her voice is feminine but has strength behind it.

2. How does he/she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he/she talk easily, or does he/she hesitate?

“Normal.” Meg never raises her voice unless around Hades or shes in an argument. Other than that, no. She never really is one to hesitate.

3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics?

“I guess i used too. I was raised in Greece, but my mom taught me English when i was very young. She said it was always handy to know more than one language. Most of the time people can’t tell i’m from another country until i start speaking my native language.”

4. What language/s does he/she speak, and with how much fluency?

“I can speak Greek fluently since its my native language, English as well. I know a few words and phrases of Albanian and Latin, since a lot of people in Greek used a variety of languages.” 

5. Does he/she switch languages or dialects in certain situations?

“Sometimes. I speak my native language more in my head than anywhere else. Or when my mother calls.” Sometimes if Meg is flustered of angry, or it just slips from her mouth without her even realizing it.

6. Is he/she a good impromptu speaker, or does he/she have to think about his words?

“Never hesitate. Say whats on your mind.” Oh meg shaddup, you hesitate sometimes binch don’t give me that.

7. Is he/she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change?

“I want to say eloquent, but honestly that sounds way more re-fined than i feel like i am?”

Mental and Emotional

1. How intelligent is this character? Is he/she book-smart or street-smart?

“Uh, both? I’d like to think i have both.” With Meg its a fair middle ground. Meg is intelligent but sometimes lacks in the motivation to do her work department. And she has plenty of street wit from Hades.

2. Does he/she think on his feet, or does he/she need time to deliberate?

“Feet. Definitely feet. Probably would’ve been as in many situatuions as i have if i put more thought into certain things...” Hahaha, *coughs* Herc *coughes loudEr* HaDES

3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he/she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical?

“Instinct, although sometimes more logical than if not.”

4. What kind of education has the character had?

Tbh, i’m not sure because Meg’s bio is still in the drafts and shes not listed on the dorm listings. But im pretty sure shes in University from what i remember.

5. What are his/her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he/she interested in learning more about?

“Ah, you’d laugh. It’s kind of lame.” Meg has a love for mythology and anything to deal with that. She loves reading myths and legends. It brings out the childlike aspects in Meg.

6. Is he/she an introvert or an extrovert?

7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he/she even-tempered or does he/she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven?

“Introvert. I don’t care too much for people.” That and usually Hades got her busy/and or kept to himself a lot. It takes a certain person to make Meg and extrovert, aka Daphne/Tito.

8. How does he/she respond to new people or situations? Is he/she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic?

“Depends on the situation or person.” Meg WILL fight for what she wants, so if on her bad side she could raise hell if she wants too. Although shes not the type of person to ask for help either. But when it comes to new people she’s suspicious in the sense she never fully can trust a person until she gets to know them better. But if she feels secure around someone she’s very laid-back.

9. Is he/she more likely to act, or to react?

“Act.”

10. Which is his/her default: fight or flight?

“Fight. Always fight.”

11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he/she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks?

“Gallows humor. I don’t care for vulgar jokes boys make. It makes me feel like i’m losing more of my brains cells from listening to something like that.”

12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he/she deal with them?

“Not that i’m aware of no.” Meg doesn’t have depression, but she can feel quite lonely/or sad sometimes.

13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him/her as a person?

“I feel as if i’ve had too many of those moments.” When Megs dad died, or betraying Herc, working for Hades. There’s a lot lol.

14. What does he/she fear?

“Having my freedom taken away. Never standing up for what i want or believe in.” The irony.

15. What are his/her hopes or aspirations?

To be happy. Move on from the past and start something fresh and new.

16. What is something he/she doesn’t want anyone to find out about him/her?

She’s not as strong as puts on.

Relationships

1. Describe this character’s relationship with his/her parents.

“I’m very close to my mom. She had to raise me alone for the majority of my life  and she worked so hard to have the things i could. I could never repay her for all she’s done for me. σ'αγαπώ μαμά (I love you mama).” Meg was a big daddys girl, but her father passed away when she was 7 from a motorcycle accident.

2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like?

“Nope.”

3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he/she is close? Are there ones he/she can’t stand?

“Not really.”

4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he/she considers part of his family? What are his/her relationships with them?

“Not at the moment.” She’d say Hades or Peyton and Patrick since she see’s them practically all the time.  But it’s not a good relationship with Hades.

5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet?

“Daphne. I love her.” I’m not sure how Meg met Daphne, but i’m blessed that she did.

6. Does he/she have other close friends?

“Tito for sure. He always makes me smile. I don’t know what it is. Berlioz too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.”

7. Does he/she make friends easily, or does he/she have trouble getting along with people?

“I’m i feel it’s easy to get along with people, but sometimes people are annoying and it frustares me beyond belief.”

8. Which does he/she consider more important: family or friends?

“Family. Always Family.” Meg doesn’t have a wide variety of friends, so Family is most important to her. Especially since they’re people who feel like home to her.

9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he/she been married more than once?

“Single? ha, married? I’m not sure that will ever happen.”

10. Is he/she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse?

“Uh, no?”

11. Who was his/her first crush? Who is his/her latest?

“Uh, well there was this boy from my home town. I mean he was sweet and really naive, but i think thats what i liked most about him. Just the pure innocence about him, and i fucked it up. What a surprise. I hope he's doing okay. Recently? No-” Bish talking about Herc, and we all know who Meg is talking about recently bish i see you

12. What does he/she look for in a romantic partner?

“Someone i can hold real conversations with, someone i can laugh and be myself around.” Meg is simple she just wants someone is going to be there for her, even if she doesn’t necessarily need it.

13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he/she relate to them? If no, does he/she want any?

“I don’t want to even phantom the thought of having kids right now. But maybe someday.” 

14. Does he/she have any rivals or enemies?

Meg doesn’t want to answer this question because she doesn’t want Hades to over-hear lmao.

15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he/she fall on the Kinsey scale?

“I’d rather boys, but intelligent ones.” Probably 0 or 2.

16. How does he/she feel about sex? How important is it to him/her?

“I want it to be with someone i care about and vice versa. I’m not the type to sleep around, but i mean to the people who do it you do you boo; just not my thing.”

17. What are his/her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits?

“I’d rather not talk about this, thanks.” Meg is quite a passionate person and she’s not going to give everything up so easily because she likes a fight. It would depend what mood she’s in, she’d love intimate or go farther into the rougher aspect of sex. Like hair pulling, lip biting, and all that good stuff.

Beliefs

1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he/she fit type?

I feel either an aries or leo. But probably mostly aries because they’re lively, passionate, courageous. Their negative traits would include being impatient, stubborn, and impulsive which just all sounds like Meg perfectly tbh.

2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his/her life?

“I really don’t have any specific view on it. My mother gave me the choice of choosing/doing whatever i wanted to with religion. Maybe i just haven’t figured it out yet.”

3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it?

“Don’t we all have a code of morals? We all know right between wrong, but sometimes we do it anyway. It depends, although it would take a lot for me to compromise it.” Like being forced to frame drugs on Hercules lol.

4. How does he/she regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he/she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent?

“Tolerant. I like to hear the other side of things or someone’s opinion on the matter.”

5. What prejudices does he/she hold? Are they irrational or does he/she have a good reason for them?

Mostly with everyone not because of color or what they look like, but shes always felt skeptical towards people because unless you don’t know that person like the back of your hand you don’t know what they’re capable of. Just like Hades. So pretty much Hades ruined her when it comes to people in general.

Daily Life

1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he/she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt?

Meg has been comfortable, but there are times when she was younger that her family was hurting for money. 

2. What is his/her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him/her?

“Under the radar.”

3. Where does he/she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his/her home his/her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he/she share it with others?

“I miss my home back in Greece. It was just beautiful, i miss it so much sometimes compared to the form i’m living in at Walt.”

4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he/she spend his/her money on?

“Probably movies, i love to indulge in fantasy.”

5. What does he/she do for a living? Is he/she good at it? Does he/she enjoy it, or would he/she rather be doing something else?

“Nothing really.” Do you mean work for Hades? Then yes, and she doesn’t hate it but she doesn’t love it either. She’s known Hades for so long now that he feels like a friend in a weird twisted way.

6. What are his/her interests or hobbies? How does he/she spend his/her free time?

Meg will never admit it, but dancing. More of a classical style. Definitely something like this. (x)

7. What are his/her eating habits? Does he/she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods?

Meg doesn’t have big meals unless she’s going out to eat, so she snacks a lot.

Associations

Which of the following do you associate with the character, or which is his/her favorite:

1. Color?   Purple 2. Smell?  The Ocean 3. Time of day? Sunset 4. Season? Autumn 5. Book? Anything that has to do with Mythology, she has a guilty pleasure for the Percy Jackson series. 6. Music? Upbeat songs, once that are relaxing to listen to. She has a soft spot for ballads. 7. Place? By the crashing waves of crystal blue ocean, by herself with a good book. 8. Substance? Vodka/Wine 9. Plant? Iris 10. Animal? Humming bird